


Fleet Shore Leave Regulations - Update

by Gwynne



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Other, Warning - some swearing. But it's in character.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-02
Updated: 2011-01-02
Packaged: 2017-10-14 08:08:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/147167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gwynne/pseuds/Gwynne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Memo found at Barrayaran Fleet General Headquarters, Vorbarr Sultana.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fleet Shore Leave Regulations - Update

Memo from Rear-Admiral Stefan Vorlakial

Markov – this is a draft only. See if you can get it into shape by next week, the General Staff have their knickers in a knot as usual, honestly, how do they expect men on shore leave to behave? I remember when, if we left any buildings standing, the Captain would congratulate us on our restraint. Or put us on report for not trying hard enough. They coddle them today, they really do. In my day being put on report meant a punishment parade, and those damn rubber hoses – do you know they actually had regulations about how much lead to put in them? Being in the Service in those days wasn’t for the wimps we get today – one of those new ensigns actually asked me if we could get something called a Capachino machine, in the office. Six months on Kyril Island will sort him out, he won’t be thinking of fancy coffee after that. Useless little toad. They’re practically town clowns these days.

Anyway, we’ve had a few little interplanetary issues lately, as you know, and I’m the lucky sod who has to update the shore leave regs. ‘Don’t get arrested, and if you do, give a false name’ was good enough in my day.

I’ve looked through the latest incident reports and thrown a few things together. See what you can do with it, alright? Good man.

Honestly, the service is going soft. What’s next? They’ll probably want girls in the service, or some such rubbish. And then we might as well surrender to whoever will take us, since it’ll all be over for the Empire.

 

Shore leave update (totally unnecessary, but we have to be seen to do something)

• No weapons on shore leave. This even includes stunners, and most especially includes nerve disruptors, plasma arcs, needlers, knives, swords, grenades of any kind, and any of the other weapons normally considered common street wear for servicemen on Barrayar. In some other cultures this perfectly ordinary way of dress is apparently regarded as threatening. If a man can’t handle his weapons when he’s drunk he shouldn’t be in the service. I mean, a few squaddies get snookered and shoot up a bar or two and suddenly it’s apologies all round and oh how terrible the nasty rough soldiers are. They should be grateful for the business, you’ve seen how much our boys spend on getting drunk. Any shore leave bar without a few plasma burns on the walls isn’t worth the name.

• Crew members still have to view, and even take part in, cultural activities on other planets as a ‘valuable learning experience, to broaden their personal horizons’. Load of rubbish, we’ll turn them all into poncy little imitation Betans before we’re done. Why does a man on shore leave want to go to a concert or some such, anyway? Be that as it may, performances in certain establishments are not considered cultural activities when they involve public and very personal acts with members of the female gender. Even more so if they involve male persons instead, or some approximation thereof. And anything else those deviants on Beta come up with. The same goes for pets. Basically, if you don’t keep your pants on, it’s not a cultural activity. What the heck they’d want a sheep on stage for in the first place amazes me. Honestly, some of those back-country Greekie hicks can’t be trusted with farm animals at the best of times. And what’s a vid reporter doing in a place like that anyway?

• When you get drunk, don’t lie around in the gutter afterwards. Most places have some kind of public park, go and use the damn thing. Or better yet, pick up a girl or two – make sure it IS a girl if you’re on Beta, godawful place full of nasty surprises that can traumatise a young man, took me years to – never mind. But if you’re going to get drunk on leave then find some nice friendly whore and settle in. It’s usually cheaper than a hotel, and you get fringe benefits as well.

• If you’re going to gamble, make sure you win. And if you think the game is rigged, don’t hold the cheat upside down and shake him until the fake dice fall out of his pockets. Even if he IS cheating. And especially if he’s the son of the Escobaran president. Also, if you do play and lose, no part of the ship, ship’s supplies, ship’s weapon systems, engines, tools, medical supplies or other crew members can be wagered, bartered, or used as security for a loan. Especially on Jackson’s Whole. It took us ages to get that ensign back, and he was never the same again, the boy still has some nasty personal habits, I’m told, although he’s oddly popular with his crewmates.

• Stop teasing the Cetagandans. Don’t keep asking them if they’d like their grandfather’s scalp back. And for heaven’s sake stop getting them drunk and repainting their faces with obscene designs. And don’t keep telling them that maple mead is the secret of our success against them. It’s good for trade, but some idiot told them we use it for fuel – it must be good for something, lord knows you’d never drink the damn stuff if you didn’t have to – and after three of their ships blew up they now want to sue us.

• When you’re on Beta – just be careful. Of everyone. Bloody awful place full of half-dressed deviants and perverts. But if you do want to get friendly with one of them, just ASK if they’re a hermwhatsit. Groping to ‘make sure’ can be misunderstood, even by Betans.

• Why anyone in their right mind would want to do this is beyond me, but if you are on Beta and you want to get some surgery done, clear it with your CO first. You not only have to be male to join the Service, you bloody well have to STAY male.

• We are the best Fleet in the Nexus. We know it. They all know it. But offering to prove it by fighting anyone in the bar isn’t a good idea. Especially when some of those disgraceful mixed-gender fleets are in port. No Barrayaran fleet personnel are to get into fights with members of other fleets who are female. I mean, women? In the services? It’s just so wrong. And I don’t care if other planetary or mercenary fleets take women, they’re not real soldiers. So you don’t fight them in bars, no matter what. And for God’s sake, if you do, don’t bloody lose. It’s embarrassing.

• No matter how drunk you are on shore leave, when you go back to the ship, go back to the right ship. Or at the very least, to another Barrayaran ship. And if some helpful Cetagandans offer to get you back to your ship after a drinking session, don’t trust the buggers. The next thing you know, you’re being dumped in a dark corner of the spaceport with a fast-penta headache. We have to change all our security codes every time it happens.

• No pets. Nothing living, not plant or animal or anything else. Especially not small rodents that can escape and take up residence in the wiring. And then chew on it. No interesting plants that turn out to be poisonous. Or that produce drugs of addiction. Damn navigator was high as a kite, we’re lucky the ship didn’t end up in another galaxy. ‘It had such pretty leaves’ is no excuse. Also nothing that will start breeding on board – do you realise that half the ships in the fleet are practically infested with cats? I don’t know where all the kittens came from in the first place. And please note, non-Barrayaran humans, especially of the female gender, are included in the ‘no pets’ rule.

• Above all, when on shore leave, do not under any circumstances get drunk and loudly announce that we’re invading the place. We’re flat out with Komarr and Sergyar to sort out, we don’t want any more. Do not announce an invasion, do not proceed to take over the place – just don’t do it. We’ve had three planets surrender to us in the last two years, and it’s just so hard making them realise we don’t actually want them.

That’s about it, Markov, have it done in time for the next General Staff meeting. Just make it all sound respectable. Dammit, I don’t know what the Service is coming to. Pack of wimps, they’d never survive in the old days.

Rear-Admiral Stefan Vorlakial

 

########################################

 

By the Order of Emperor Gregor Vorbarra  
Supreme Commander, Barrayaran Imperial Fleet

Attention all Shipboard Commanders  
Addendum to Shore Leave Regulations

Effective immediately

Due to some recent issues during shore leave, these updates and clarifications to normal regulations will be implemented.

• No serviceman will wear or carry any weapons while on shore leave.

• Service personnel continue to be encouraged to view and/or participate in cultural activities while on shore leave, but due care must be exercised to ensure that the activities are of an appropriate nature.

• Service personnel are not to be intoxicated in public while on shore leave. It is acceptable for them to form temporary friendships with local inhabitants while socialising.

• During shore leave, any gambling disputes are to be referred to the local authorities, not settled personally. No Barrayaran Fleet property can be used to settle gambling debts.

• Cordial relations with the Cetagandans are to be maintained at all times.

• If forming a personal friendship with local inhabitants, ensure very clear communication to avoid misunderstandings.

• No Service personnel are to undergo non-emergency medical treatments without permission from their superior officer.

• Fighting during shore leave is prohibited.

• All personnel are to report back to their own vessel when their leave expires.

• No biological hazards are to be introduced onto Fleet vessels.

• It is forbidden for any Fleet personnel to, either accidently or on purpose, invade another planet.

Immediate implementation of the above are mandated by Imperial command.


End file.
